Last Wednesday was family night at Mom's assisted living place in town, so I took all the kids there for dinner before youth group. Mom was asleep in bed in her pj's when we got there, so we had to wait for her to change and get ready, which took forever. The dinner line took forever as well, and they had almost nothing there that Alex would eat (it was chili and weird salad). All the while we were racing the clock to get dinner because Natalie had counseling at 6. We made it through though, and Nat made it on time while the rest of us stayed a while for the entertainment (Elvis impersonator). Mom wasn't much into it though. I'm sure she just went back to bed when we left to get the kids to youth group. Laura and I have been dealing with all of Mom and Dad's affairs as best we can remotely this week, and we're finding out what a pain that is. Mom's all moved in but still doesn't have much stuff in the room because the shipment from Arizona hasn't come yet. So she doesn't have much to do and doesn't feel comfortable enough yet to come out of her room. She sorts her jewelry a lot. We're going to get some bird feeders for outside her window so she has something to look at. The staff there assures me that they won't just let stay in the room alone all the time, so I hope they can draw her out. Anyway, Laura's getting a PNC bank account set up for us to use for Mom's money, since they have branches both here and in Pennsylvania, I'm getting Dad's IRA retitled in Mom's name, so I've taken Mom out on trips to the notary or something a few times. Wells Fargo: I hate them. When Laura told them Dad had died, they froze all of the accounts, and they remain frozen to this day because we still don't have a death certificate. So they froze things based on a rumor that dad was dead, and won't unfreeze them without proof that he is. Sheesh. No matter how many phone calls or visits to the branch, they will not budge. That's making it hard to pay bills. Including their rent, since their stuff is still in the house for a while. The stuff that is moving is on a truck somewhere, supposed to arrive the day after tomorrow. Not sure what all in in there, but there is the cedar chest, all the clothes, TV, pictures (So. Many. Pictures.), the grandmother clock (why? Mom wanted it), the Ikea chair, dresser, and the huge dining room table (the one made of Mesquite and with the inlaid turquoise...the one table in the world that Beth would sell our Amish table for) and the 6 chairs. Among other stuff. All the things we're not selling in the estate sale at the end of October. Laura's also coming next weekend so we can settle everything possible with the IRA, Dad's life insurance, the Wells Fargo accounts, the new PNC account...whatever we need to do when everyone who needs to sign is present. Wells Fargo is the biggie though, they've been really unreasonable.
Saturday we took Mom up to Michigan with us for the annual campout at Michawana, except we aren't camping this year. We thought we would bring Mom since we're not ready to not see her at all for an entire day or two, so we didn't stay overnight. We loaded up the camp chairs (and my recently reconstructed RC plane), collected Mom, and headed to Michigan in the morning. It was unusually hot for the campout weekend, so it was a perfect day for the beach at the campground. Mom pretty much sat in a chair and watched while everyone went swimming or paddleboarding or canoeing, which was fine. We just made sure to keep her out of the sun. Later in the evening we made tinfoil dinners, which came out super yummy, and I attempted to fly the plane for everyone. It did not fly. It must have been tail heavy or something, because it wouldn't get any altitude and smashed right into the ground and rolled. We played bingo with everyone later on, then in the late evening headed home. Mom was pretty worn out, I think we overdid it with her.

I'm still feeling like I'm in a fog. Laura called me over a week and a half ago to tell me that Dad had died and I still can't get used to the idea. I guess that's not unusual. For a couple days after getting the news I felt like I had to go back to Arizona, but I'm not sure why. It was almost the first thing. I don't even remember what I did at work when she called, but I started rushing around like I had to go back there as soon as possible. But there was nothing for me to do there, I know. Anyway. I didn't go, which is a good thing, I suppose, but I was filled with the sense of need to do something. I don't know what. The Saturday afterwards, the family and I went up to Michigan to go to an apple orchard that we'd heard about. We picked a whole bunch of apples and bought some apple wine (which wasn't all that great) and some other farmy stuff. The orchard itself is very nice but I don't think it's any better than ones around here. It did have Michigan apples, though. Anyway Laura extended her stay in Arizona much longer than she was expecting to, but was able to get pretty much everything she needed to get done, done. Last Wednesday she moved Mom to Indiana. They'd been packing and getting things ready as much as possible for the estate sale and getting bank accounts taken care of and such, authorized cremation, etc etc, but on Wednesday morning when they were leaving the house, Mom asked her where they were going and got upset because nobody had told her that she was moving. She started crying in the Lyft they were in to get to the airport, and Laura started crying...They flew to Chicago via Minneapolis, made it through an hour layover and a plane change, and made it to Chicago around 8:00 pm. I was there to pick them up and took Laura to Monica's house, then took Mom home. Mom's going to stay with us for a few days until we can get her settled into Lake City Place, which is an assisted living facility just a block from our house. Beth and I put her in our bed and sleeping in the living room for the few days until after Dad's memorial. We needed to get her to see a doctor and get a chest x-ray before she could move in, things like that. Friday everybody headed up to Michigan; Laura and I reserved a side room at Burdick's in Kalamazoo for a memorial for Dad. Laura and Monica came over from Chicago and Thomas came from PA. We set up a memorial display, photos from over the years on posterboard and cycling on Mom's MacBook; miscellaneous things from their travels and such. All of Mom and Dad's friends from Kalamazoo were invited, as was all the family that could be there. Auntie Irene and Jonathan & Karla also came over from Chicago. It was great to get more acquainted with them. I have not seen my cousin Jono in years. We had a really nice time, there was a good turnout and good time. I gave a eulogy that made me cry from the beginning to the end. I wasn't sure I was going to make it through the whole thing, actually, but I was reading from a printout or else I wouldn't have. Farewell, Dad.


We stayed in town for breakfast, then made some plans to see Jono and Karla around Christmas, and headed back home. We had an appointment with an agent from the long-term care insurance company to evaluate Mom, which they were doing at our house. She did a quick evaluation, and Mom was obviously impaired, so I'm hoping the evaluation comes out the way it should. We all took Mom over to the new place to look around and see her new room (Laura thought it looked much better than the place in PA she looked at) and have dinner there. We left her there and came back again later when she was getting ready for bed. She seemed to be doing all right there. We're hoping it gets even better when her things arrive. We came to visit again today and took her to our house for a little while; she didn't want to go back to her place but she did without too much fuss. We need to find something that she can do there to keep her busy. She can't do her iPad or computer games or craft stuff any more, she needs a TV but then she may just sit in there alone all the time when it comes. She likes having her jewelry to sort through. We think she might like a bird feeder by the window. Anyway, it looks like she'll be ok there, but to be honest she seems more functional than most of the old ladies that live there. I hope she'll fit in and be sociable, but I don't know that she will. I'm feeling guilty about putting her there...and I feel like we should just make room for her at my house. Even though I know that will not work and we can not take care of her. I just will have to be ok with the fact that she's there and I can go see her any time. Hope this all works out.

I'm home, and the world has changed forever. About 10 days ago, I got a sudden call from Laura that Dad had fallen at home and couldn't get up, and Mom had been found wandering around outside the house. I last spoke to Dad the previous weekend, and he had sounded awful. He had been fighting pneumonia, and his acid reflux was acting up. Couldn't shake the pneumonia even after a complete round of antibiotics. He was coughing terribly and sounded miserable. He also had an appointment to go to the GI specialist and was wondering exactly how he was going to get there since Mom can't drive any more. But the day before that, he collapsed at home. A neighbor saw Mom wandering around outside and came out to see if she was all right, and they went back inside and found Dad. I don't know if Mom forgot what she was doing, or couldn't figure out what to do, but Dad had asked her to get help. So Dad was at the hospital, and Laura arranged for some respite care to come stay with Mom until I could get there. I flew out on Friday, thinking that I'd be taking care of Mom until Dad got over the pneumonia; Laura's classes were starting so she couldn't come out right away, but I'd stay around a week and come home when Laura got out there, and she'd stay for a week, and together we'd get them into assisted living. I got out there on the 25th, and headed for the hospital as soon as I got there. Dad was having fluid drained from his lungs, apparently they got 2 liters out and there was another 2 liters the next day. He was resting most of the time, but seemed generally ok although very weak. And confused, at one point that first night he thought he was in France. Mom was awfully confused too, she told me a couple times in the first couple days that dad was trying to kill himself and her. And she wanted me to look at her poop (also did both with the respite care lady) because she thought it looked abnormal (Nope). And wanted to know if I thought they should stay together (The 25th was their 55th anniversary...I had forgotten). Over the next day Dad's confusion was getting worse, especially at night. An MRI didn't show any neurological reason for the confusion, and he had to have his lungs drained again. By Sunday afternoon the doctors had found malignant cells in the fluid they drained from his lungs, stage 4 lung cancer, they said. The oncologist did not think Dad was a good candidate for chemo, and guessed that he might have 3 months if untreated, maybe 8 with chemo, if he reacted well to it. Dad asked me to let Dr. Pettit know what was happening, which I did, adn he immediately contacted me and began lobbying to get Dad moved out of Banner and into Mayo Hospital, because he didn't think Banner had any real proficiency in cancer treatment. Since they'd already recommended hospice, which we'd contacted, we figured we had nothing to lose so we started trying to do it. But there was no accepting physician at Mayo to do a transfer, and Mayo said they couldn;t do anything that Banner couldn't, so there was no transfer. It wasn't as simple as Dr. Pettit thought, it seems. Meanwhile we had scheduled a lung procedure to block the fluid buildup for Tuesday, but we cancelled it because of the transfer that didn't happen. Which cost a few days. We then went into a holding pattern because the surgeon couldn't do it until Friday now. So we waited, Dad just hung out at the hospital getting more confused and hardly eating. Meanwhile, we went back to the hospice plan and finding a care place for Mom and Dad to move into after Dad was discharged, one that could take care of both of them as long as possible. Thursday the 31st, The surgeon had a cancellation so Dad got in a day early, and we had a good discussion with him as lucid as he's been in a while. I told him what the doctors all had said, and that Mayo declined the transfer, and what should we do. "Bob's schemes were always overly optimistic," he told me, and chose hospice over radical procedures. So he went in to have the pleurodesis, and shortly afterwards I took Mom to visit with the Pettits. They took us out to lunch, and I think Bob was ready to show me all sorts of new research on lung cancer and when I told him what Dad told me, I just about lost it. It was the first time I'd said it out loud. I composed myself as best I could and we finished lunch in time to visit at the house some more before we had to run to pick up Laura, who was having a real odyssey getting to Phx. We dashed to the airport, drove around until we met up with her on the curb, and dashed out again to tour assisted living places. They looked nicer than the ones we saw in July. We found a nice group home in Scottsdale, one with a full range of care, where we thought they'd be good to go until moving Mom back east. We started getting things ready for moving as soon as we could. Over the next couple days we ran over the the place a couple times, moving in clothes and pictures and furniture; the hospice delivered a hospital bed for Dad, we got the pictures up on the wall, and everything was about ready, as soon as Dad was discharged. But the surgeon kept looking in, checking him out, and saying we'd keep him for another day. By Sunday, Dad still had the drain in and was still just waiting, but started being unable to keep anything down and going into afib. Monday, I had to go home (Dad fortunately had enough Southwest points to get me a ticket for free). Laura dropped me off and headed for the hospital, where Dad was no longer nauseous but still out of it. The drain finally came out Monday afternoon but they decided to keep him another day, then the vomiting started again. Tuesday, Dad was uncomfortable, his back hurt, and wasn't passing urine so they were possibly going to put his catheter back in. Laura saw some test results: adenocarcinoma, possibly throughout his body. By afternoon Dad was not having a good day, wheezing very badly, vomiting again, and seemed very uncomfortable. Then he started vomiting blood, and around 4:30, Tuesday, September 5, 2017, Dad died.